On the outside One

A letter that I just wrote to Alisha.

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 18:25:31 GMT

First off I'll say that the only reason I'm writing this is because you said you wanted me to talk to you. I am writing because I can't formulate the words without you actually being here, or me there. A phone doesn't work. So the closest thing I can do is write it.

So yeah, here is a letter:

I honestly don't know what my life has become since you left me. I have gone down and hit the bottom, and I can't bring myself back up. When you left me I thought that either I could deal with it or you would come back, but then I visited a couple days later and you broke my heart. I was an asshole that day, and hell I admit that I had taken you for granted a bit. But at no point did I ever not love you. There is nothing that I wouldn't have done for you if I could have done it, and now I don't even care whether or not I can do it. I would try. You were everything, and I couldn't express it. You were the reason I got up in the morning. The reason I smiled. The reason that I wanted to live. You made me feel so inexplicably wonderful that I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I wanted to be with you forever. I wanted to go to college, get a house, whatever you wanted, and just live the life that only exists in fairy tales. You were the Queen and I was but a lowly beggar.

When you left I felt so sick and hopeless and worthless. For two weeks I barely functioned. I lied in bed thinking of what I had done, wishing that I could change it, hoping that you would leave James. But no, I just wallowed in massive depression for a month. Then I thought that if I became a better person, got a job, got my shit straight, and told you how I felt that maybe then things would be fixed. But that didn't work. You held me in your arms.
You stared into my teary eyes.
You kissed my dying lips.
You made me feel alive again.
And I honestly thought that maybe, just maybe there was some hope that you would take me back, and I could feel good again.

But no.

You disappeared from my life, lacking the time to talk to me. Or was it the lack of desire? In any case, you alienated me, and I gave up. I was going through a bottle of liquor every night or two, tearing open my flesh with knives and scalples, all the while wishing that I was dead so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of knowing that you would never be mine again.

Because seriously. Even if you weren't with James I don't think you would take me back now. Look at me. I'm a mess, a broken mess that no one could want.

I'm broken and I can't fix it.

You were my saving grace.
But you left.
You stitched together my broken heart only to throw it in a blender.

So now I am hopeless. I have given in to the hopelessness and nothing that consumed me years ago. Before any of my friends knew me. Gary knows, but he's the only one who knows. I have apparently alienated all my friends in Lakeland, I only have a couple in Orlando, and I don't even have myself to make me feel better.

So I am running from my problems now because I can't continue to fight. I have tried harder to get you back than I have tried to do anything in my life.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I thank you for the good times. But now it's time that I have to give up. You will never take me back and I see that now. So I can't continue loving you. And seeing as I cannot stop loving you, I have to lose you. So when my lease is up on my apartment I am moving. Far away, and giving up on a successful life. I can't go t college now, because sitting in a class would be useless if the only thing that I can think about is the past and what might have been.

So go on living your life as you see fit, I hope it turns out well for you and that you are happy.

Know that I will always love you, and that I am always here if you want anything.

Eternal Love,
Devon.

I am a Horror Writer. The horror? My existence.

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 16:22:57 GMT

so yeah. this is the first actual entry in my "other" journal.

Alisha called me last night. I had sworn that I would never talk to her again, but I answered.
She apparently called to inform me that James has been accepted to UCF next year. To which I replied that I would be far away by the time he comes here. I want to just spend all of my money to get away. Just go to Europe or something and start anew. I wonder how hard it would be for me to get a job in England. At least they speak English there.

She also told me that I have pretty much Alienated my friends in Lakeland by never calling or visiting. Despite the fact that I haven't been able to call them because there's no phone to call. I don't want to lose them as friends, but I also think that leaving everything from Lakeland might be beneficial.

I am at the point that I was at in 6th grade. I have given in to the hopelessness now, despite the glimmer of hope that Lora has given me. There's just nothingness now. I am wholly empty. I am a shell that has had it's insides torn out and eaten. Now I want to hurt people like I've been hurt [passive-aggressively of course].

I miss her calling me late at night, waking me up to say she loves me.
I miss the goofy faces she made to make me smile.
I miss staring into her eyes and knowing that everything was okay, and that nothing mattered but the two of us being there together.
I miss the feeling of making her feel good.
I miss watching her while she slept.
I miss everything about her.

[side-note: I was crying through all that, and I could have gone on but I had to stop.]

So now I am a bit confused as to what to do. But I don't care that I am confused, I don't care that I am hurt, I don't care about anything anymore. I've grown disillusioned with all of this. I'm tired of waking up alone wanting to be dead, not wanting to be someone else, just dead. The true apex of the nothingness. I'm just so tired of everything.

The false hopes
The empty promises
The lonliness of being totally alone
The confusion
The hatred
The illusiory "love"

Everything. I need to escape it all, because it's never going to get fixed. Why won't it be fixed? Because I can't fix it. There is no way for me to fix it. And the only person who could fix everything, the only thing that I care about at all, won't fix it.

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 22:51:26 GMT

the first entry. this is just a test so i can get the theme and shit right