| Dec. 2nd, 2004 @ 01:24 pm A letter that I just wrote to Alisha. |
|---|
Mood:  sad
Current Musica: Kid Koala - Temple of Gloom
First off I'll say that the only reason I'm writing this is because you said you wanted me to talk to you. I am writing because I can't formulate the words without you actually being here, or me there. A phone doesn't work. So the closest thing I can do is write it.
So yeah, here is a letter:
I honestly don't know what my life has become since you left me. I have gone down and hit the bottom, and I can't bring myself back up. When you left me I thought that either I could deal with it or you would come back, but then I visited a couple days later and you broke my heart. I was an asshole that day, and hell I admit that I had taken you for granted a bit. But at no point did I ever not love you. There is nothing that I wouldn't have done for you if I could have done it, and now I don't even care whether or not I can do it. I would try. You were everything, and I couldn't express it. You were the reason I got up in the morning. The reason I smiled. The reason that I wanted to live. You made me feel so inexplicably wonderful that I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I wanted to be with you forever. I wanted to go to college, get a house, whatever you wanted, and just live the life that only exists in fairy tales. You were the Queen and I was but a lowly beggar.
When you left I felt so sick and hopeless and worthless. For two weeks I barely functioned. I lied in bed thinking of what I had done, wishing that I could change it, hoping that you would leave James. But no, I just wallowed in massive depression for a month. Then I thought that if I became a better person, got a job, got my shit straight, and told you how I felt that maybe then things would be fixed. But that didn't work. You held me in your arms.
You stared into my teary eyes.
You kissed my dying lips.
You made me feel alive again.
And I honestly thought that maybe, just maybe there was some hope that you would take me back, and I could feel good again.
But no.
You disappeared from my life, lacking the time to talk to me. Or was it the lack of desire? In any case, you alienated me, and I gave up. I was going through a bottle of liquor every night or two, tearing open my flesh with knives and scalples, all the while wishing that I was dead so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of knowing that you would never be mine again.
Because seriously. Even if you weren't with James I don't think you would take me back now. Look at me. I'm a mess, a broken mess that no one could want.
I'm broken and I can't fix it.
You were my saving grace.
But you left.
You stitched together my broken heart only to throw it in a blender.
So now I am hopeless. I have given in to the hopelessness and nothing that consumed me years ago. Before any of my friends knew me. Gary knows, but he's the only one who knows. I have apparently alienated all my friends in Lakeland, I only have a couple in Orlando, and I don't even have myself to make me feel better.
So I am running from my problems now because I can't continue to fight. I have tried harder to get you back than I have tried to do anything in my life.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I thank you for the good times. But now it's time that I have to give up. You will never take me back and I see that now. So I can't continue loving you. And seeing as I cannot stop loving you, I have to lose you. So when my lease is up on my apartment I am moving. Far away, and giving up on a successful life. I can't go t college now, because sitting in a class would be useless if the only thing that I can think about is the past and what might have been.
So go on living your life as you see fit, I hope it turns out well for you and that you are happy.
Know that I will always love you, and that I am always here if you want anything.
Eternal Love,
Devon. |
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